Everyone has a little ADHD Part 2/2

To read the first part of the post, please click here.

The 2 ADHD camps

I understood that there are 2 camps within the ADHD community. And I understand why, I think! Remember I said ADHD is a spectrum. Keep that in mind while you continue reading and I’ll try to be as careful as possible to not step on somebody’s feet which is absolutely not intended.

You have those with ADHD that see it as a superpower. Because there are a lot of good traits that come with it and they are having an easier time managing it.
And then you have those who hate it, to the deepest part of their soul, because it is extremely disabling to them and their daily lives.
So if you are talking to somebody of the first camp, it’s a little degrading to say we all have it, so nevermind. But they are not getting too worked up on it – if at all.

But then we can turn up the volume a little and we talk to those for who it is really showing up hard … they will feel attacked and they will defend themselves, if you say such things. They feel frustrated and leash out. Even to those who have ADHD but a mild version. I have been attacked simply because I said I don’t need medication after I asked a strategic question. Or maybe not me, but my psychiatrist more likely for not even offering me medication because she saw that I didn’t need it.
I was shocked by the responses and wondering if I may be totally screwed up that I need medication now … until somebody told me listen, this is not the right place to ask this. People that got it all figured out, are not hanging out here. These are the people that didn’t find a way yet. If you have an unconventional lifestyle and you can make it work for yourself, you will be totally fine. And she was right.

Be careful where you learn about ADHD

Something that I understood when I started researching ADHD for myself is this … the online place is a great resource, but may not always be the right place to start research. Facebook groups for example are not always the best place to get started. They are a great place though when you know you have ADHD and need to find strategies and need to hear from others what they did to overcome certain things. No psychiatrist can ever tell you those strategies.

I can not tell you the things I heard from professionals that made me cry. Some ADHD coach told a 10 year old child to write their to do stuff in a calendar and just work it off. I’m sorry? Oh, you must have not seen my 49 calendars and notebooks just for this year alone (and it’s April) … that are still sitting there in the shelf, looking pretty … and .. new!!
I can plan you the most beautiful plans, I think we ADHDers must be the best planners in the world because we are doing it so often .. just that … we don’t do it!
I can have my planner on the wall right in front of me and I will not do it! Now, coach, what do we do with this?

The right strategies

So this little boy came out of it even more depressed, anxious, hopeless and frustrated than before beause the wrong strategies that made him feel even more like there is something seriously wrong with him. Not a good place to be in, if you ask me! If you had asked me I would have told you the contrary of what that professional would have told you.
And how did I learn it? Through other ADHDers and trial and error myself! So, such places are gold… remember, ADHD is a spectrum, everyone has their own version of it, everyone has their own brain and one thing that may work for one ADHDer may not work for another, depending on what your own brain gets dopamine from.
And sometimes such groups are great if you just need to talk to somebody who understands. You will never find a group of people that is less judgmental, most caring and most supportive than the neurodivergent community.

But I had to understand that many see things very dark and angry online.
Those who figured out how to deal with it, turn it into an advantage are not the ones online in groups, because they are living life!
I hope you understand what I’m trying to say in the right way. You need to speak to real people if you want to get a real picture of this “thing”. – online and offline And you have to speak to a lot of people with ADHD, not just a couple to get a picture.
I have met the most amazing people in the outside world. And you would never even guess they have ADHD, because they handle it well.
Some through medication, most without, with strategies in place, with support systems in place, some with therapy, some not, almost all of them with exercising and good nutrition. And above it all .. I will say it again .. with strategies in place…. just a different way of doing things, no more no less.

Because you see, the danger of ADHD is not ADHD itself. It’s the not knowing you have it. Let me give you an example. Many ADHDers have the tendency to buy things on impulse. We see this shiny thing, we like it and we buy it. Often we end up regretting it later.
If you don’t know that you have ADHD and the tendency to impulse buy .. you can’t beat it. You will just buy. It’s like an addiction at times. But if you know that you are doing it, you are conscious about it, you will stop for a minute before you buy and you will start to think … is it an impulse, do I really need it, what if I don’t get it, why do I really want it, what do I really want, what do I need right now, what’s missing … and you can put obstacles in the way. I know many people with ADHD before they buy something on Amazon, they put it in the shopping trolley, wait 24 hours and get busy with something else and if after 24 hours they still want it, they will buy. If not .. delete. And it works. Most of the times they delete. Simple strategies like this, that can save your life in all areas.

BUT you have to know what you are dealing with, you have to get to know your brain! So ADHD is not the problem. Undiagnosed ADHD is. I was diagnosed with an eating disorder years ago. Spent my whole life figuring things out how to go about this monster. Nothing worked. Surprise!
Turned out, it was not an eating disorder after all. It was ADHD. Strategies are now completely different from what you would think they are and most of them have nothing to do with WHAT I eat or how much .. it’s impressive.
Misdiagnosis, no diagnosis … the wrong medication, the wrong strategies, the wrong self help books. Why do self help books never work on us? Because they were written by neurotypical people for neurotypical people!

They tell you in order to get things done, eat the frog first. Do the hardest thing first so that the rest of the day will be easy and you will get things done.
Just that in my brain, it’s reverse. The frog is so disgusting and big, that I need ALL my energy that is already low enough, to eat that frog and then I have no, literally no energy left to do all the tiny things.
So what I need to do with my ADHD brain, is charging the battery first or while at it. How do I charge the battery … You recharge your dopamine. How do we do that? You take the smallest of things you can think of and do it. The accomplishment will make you feel good – dopamine goes up – now I can tackle the next bigger thing … accomplished, feels good, dopamine .. next thing ….

I have a magnetic board on my fridge, where I dump all the things I need to do that day.
And no, it’s not neat. I write with different colours, left, write, upside down .. doesn’t matter … makes sense to my brain though, not yours. And then I look at it and think… hmmm, what’s the one thing that would cause me the least of pain, that I actually feel like I could do now? And I do it. And then I cross it off. And then I look at the next least bad one … and so on and so forth. In between some fun things. While I do things that I don’t like, I combine them with things that I do like (for example cooking and dancing) And almost all of the time I find myself with the list accomplished by the end of the day.

But those are strategies a normal person will not tell you, because they can’t. On top of that. Not every strategy works for everyone the same. Every person with ADHD needs to find their own approaches. Like in general, we all need exercise. But I can tell you, if you would tell me to run in circles it would increase my stress hormones instead and I would end up with lower energy. However, let me dance, or play badminton, handball or whatever else … awesome. Other people will not like to dance, but do like to run in circles with their music on the headphones. So it’s all about everyone’s own way of getting dopamine. There is no one size fits all.

And that is the problem with these little papers you often get for the kids in the classrooms. They tell you general information on what you should do with the kiddo. But they often leave out the personal side of it. This is where you jump in and talk to the parents and ask them what worked best for them at home. Or better, you talk to the child him or herself. Because not even parents will often know, what’s going on in their child’s brain!

This is not a game and giving up is not an option!

People are often frustrated .. didnt find the right strategy yet, tell you we tried everything. But it may just be that they didnt find that one thing that fits them that would help them. So they give up too early. And you dont want that. Just because things that other people told you or advised you to do dont work, doesnt mean it’s hopeless.
Sometimes its one of those strategies but with a tweak. But it’s on you to find that one tweak that works for YOU.

Just like me and writing a to do list but a different style. I had neat to do lists everywhere in the house, they didnt work. But writing it however .. brain dumping first .. mixed with a little bit of a routine … works .. for me. Not for others. I know others work according to rooms or post it notes everywhere. Never works for me. And who cares? As long as it works for you! You have to find your own way. And be persistent to find it , dont give up too early. Sometimes it may be the image of somebody digging and 1cm before the getting through, they give up and will never get to the treasure.
Giving up is not an option in this game or the result will be mental health issues, financial issues, addiction issues, prison issues, early death … but if you don’t give up and can make it work for you .. it’s the other side of the gold coin!