ADHD is nothing serious – or is it?

Trigger warning: suicide, addiction, eating disorders

A woman called me and told me about how her daughter, who is at university, got diagnosed with ADHD because she can’t focus. She continued to tell me how she thinks that ADHD is nothing, that her daughter is doing great and it’s just a way of being more creative. “Just the focus thingy…”
The day before I was talking to a mother who told me that “come on, ADHD isn’t really a thing, is it, I mean if kids would be allowed to move more … it wouldn’t even be an issue”.

I understand why they would think this way and I agree and don’t agree with both at the same time. When I was the age of the first woman’s daughter you would not see anything with me either …
and I to a degree agree with the second mother because .. movement and sports have saved my life as a kid, I believe. It made the symptoms manageable.

People brush it off as something that is not serious, just get your act together somehow, you are fine, because they don’t see the whole picture. ADHD is neurodevelopmental, not a personality disorder, which would be more obvious in your face maybe.

So I understand where those opinions come from, seeing that “everyone’s a little ADHD”. However, they are dangerous assumptions about a topic that has been seen wrong for a very long time even in the scientific world.

You see, until recently, it was believed that ADHD affects mostly children and in particular boys. Girls have not been much on the radar. It was also believed that they grow out of it. It was more known to be an issue of “little white boys” rather than everyone.
So, why then pay close attention to the whole thing, right? But it turns out that girls have it too and yes, every ethnicity and no, you don’t grow out of it, at least not the majority. Only around 9% of kids grow out of ADHD. Just that the symptoms show up in different ways when you get older and between boys and girls for the most part.
While boys most of the time show more physical signs, the hyperactivity, girls are more internal, and since it’s hard to look into somebody’s head, it makes it hard to detect at times. The hyperactivity as a child will transform into more of a restlessness as an adult, but it always stays there.

There are 3 subtypes of ADHD … hyperactive, inattentive and combined type. Boys are usually more in the hyperactive place, girls inattentive or both can be combined. But you can also find boys with just the inattentive type or a girl with just hyperactivity. The most common form though, seems to be the combined type. I am one of them.

It’s hard to detect somebody who is inattentive, which has a lot to do with masking. Especially girls are very good at hiding their inattentiveness.
How often did I hear “you don’t have ADHD, you are alright, ADHD is a superpower or it’s awesome .. yes .. no. Yes and no. There are times it comes in handy and other times it really sucks, you know.
It’s not a black or white thing just like any other brain type I would believe. Your brain has its limitations and mine has its own limitations. Simply on a different level. For the rest, we are doing quite alright, yes, thank you!

The danger is this one .. when you see me, you wouldn’t see anything special. I’m a nice, polite, calm person .. nothing special about her. Especially if I don’t talk much.

But … you dont see the inside…. you don’t see my thoughts, you don’t see my actions that I’m doing when I’m alone, you don’t see anything.
You don’t see me speeding at 260 km/h on the highway just for the fun of it, when I’m alone.
The depression and anxiety that can creep up, the restlessness, the eating disorder because I’m hiding it so well, that even I don’t notice myself that there is something off.

I’m putting myself in danger .. I’m at risk of dying early. … for stupid mistakes and inattentiveness, not for ADHD itself. It’s not like a brain tumor that will eventually take over and kill you. It’s the untreated version of it that puts me at a higher risk.

You don’t see that so you think ADHD is not important .. Nothing to worry about, whereas it should be everything to worry about.
But that’s the problem with mental health in general, isn’t it .. nobody can look inside your head. It’s often those who you wouldn’t expect to have issues that actually have the biggest. Those who smile the most are often those who suffer the most.
Comedians look like they are having the time of their lives, being funny, making everyone else laugh .. yet, suicide rate is quite high in this profession.

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You can’t look in somebody’s head, what they have been through, how it affected them .. and you are in no position to judge them for it. Because you might be or do the same if you had the same history. But it’s easy to judge and look down or up at people.

You don’t notice yourself that you are doing things that are not normal or even dangerous.
Remember, it’s genetic. You have it, at least one of your parents should have it too, if not both, because we do tend to gravitate towards each other somehow.
So you grow up in a family of “not so normal after all” , but this makes it “normal” for you.

For example, if I’d have to chose which one of my parents has ADHD, it would absolutely be my father, without a doubt. So I grew up in Germany and we have highways where you are allowed to drive without limit. My father would constantly drive 260-80 km/h … and so would I. And I thought, it’s what everyone does actually.
But recently I observed the driving habits of Germans on the “Autobahn”. And actually the majority .. is NOT driving like that; Don’t get me wrong, you will always be overtaken by somebody who passes by so fast that you don’t even see what kind of car that was, but it stays a minority.
But you see, I grew up with this speed, so for me … I was not a minority when driving like as if I’d participate in the formula 1, it was the normal speed.

I still love speeding, the noise of the motor of a good car when it accelerates within seconds, the smooth transitions … pure excitement. But only, if I drive myself! If somebody would do the same and I’d sit in the passenger seat, I’d go and pray for my life! The speed, highest focus and attention it takes to be able to drive this speed is what makes it exciting.

When I was little I loved rock climbing. I would climb like a goat, running up rocks where people would carefully watch their steps. Tree climbing as high as it can get, balancing on walls …
As a teenager, riding horses … fast! They tell you riding horses is great for ADHD kids because of the coordination and all kinds of other things you learn with riding horses, I didnt care one bit about that stuff .. it was the speed. If I could ride a horse out on the prairie and run with it, I’d be the happiest person.
You know how sometimes horses bolt? When you basically lose control over them and they just run like crazy .. some people, it scares them .. I loved it! Pure adrenaline.
When I got older .. that translated into cars. I would have loved to have a persmission for motorbikes, too, but my parents blocked that one out of fear. And I think, rightfull so.

But your mind doesn’t actively go like “oh let’s seek adrenaline”. You don’t do it consciously. You are also not activtely looking for stupid situations. You are simply not aware of the risk, more like it.

For example, I would never go bungee jumping, or parachuting, I hate taking the airplane with a passion, I don’t particularly like heights is an understatement … in that case I’m aware of the risk and I would probably never take it. Even though it’s pure adrenaline, right? But no, I’m aware of the risk and so I’m not doing it.

Once I got more aware of the risk of speeding, I got a little more decent with it also. I’m now going 160max, which is a normal speed for german highways and I let the others pass by. So It’s not an active extreme sport seeking behavior, you see, more like … no idea about not seeing the actual risks.
And this is a general issue with ADHDers … not seeing risks and/or not caring about them as much as other people would. That can be good and bad at the same time.

We saw the bad part , but a good part is that for example we are 300 times more likely to be entrepreneurs than other people for several ADHD reasons, but one of them is … we don’t mind the risk. And hence we are often more successful with innovative ideas and hyperfocus and following through .. IF you can use ADHD to your advantage and learned how to manage it!

So the problem with ADHD is that we get into trouble on several front lines …
no sense of risk at times, especially when we are younger, combined with impulsive behaviour, combined with coping mechanisms, combined with executive functioning, combined with seeking validation or fitting in …

We are at high risk for the following:
– early death
– comorbidities such as depression (60%), anxiety (40%), trauma (80%) etc
– prison
– addiction of any kind (drugs, videogames, social media, sex, food, alcohol, …)
– eating disorders
– unemployment and financial issues
– teen pregnancies
– attempted suicide rate 5 times higher (14% vs 2.7%). 1 in 4 women with ADHD

So next time you see a calm, kind, helpful, yet creative and imaginative and beautiful mind… don’t think he or she has it all together. They might be facing their own struggles beneath the surface, just that they choses wisely who they show this side to. And it may even be nobody.