Loving someone with ADHD is not easy

Listen to the audio version here

Loving someone with ADHD is not easy. I often think, it’s actually pretty hard.
Especially if you have no idea what it is or what neurodiversity actually is.

It means a lot of patience, a lot of love and understanding, a lot of trial and error and a lot of not giving up when things are not easy.

What we need the most is for you to just be there for us.
To make us feel safe.
To help keep us grounded.
To make us feel like we are not crazy or lazy or stupid or that everything is our fault or
that we are just causing trouble everywhere we go.

When we are being on our emotional rollercoaster we need you to simply stay calm and listen and be there until it will pass. To tell us that we are alright, that everything will be alright. That you are not going anywhere.

Believe me I’m trying. I’m trying.

Who would want somebody like me? Nobody wants somebody like that. Trauma, behaviours, situations … nobody wants somebody like that. Nobody wants problems, everyone wants those who have it all together even if just on the surface… just they wouldn’t admit it at times, would they?

I can understand that. I do. It needs a strong person, a grounded person, a patient person, empathic, flexible, with a sense of humour, resilient, self-aware of their own strengths and weaknesses, but above it all .. a committed person … basically, it needs a special kind of person to be able to handle me.

But if you are so special, then what would you do with me? You could have somebody else, better.

Sometimes I may forget things .. dates or tasks .. or I may have trouble to start those tasks and follow through which will leave you frustrated at times.
You may think it’s a lack of motivation or not caring or not being ambitious. That’s not true; I’m really trying. And I’m learning … I’m working on it, I’m learning strategies. But sometimes there will be days when things are not working the way I wish they would.

Sometimes I can be disorganized … which can mean that I miss deadlines or I leave my clothes on the chair instead of putting them where they belong which may frustrate you.

My emotions may drive you insane. Because I feel them too much. I don’t have more emotions than other people just I feel them differently I guess, more intense. I’m very sensitive which sometimes can lead to misunderstandings.

You see I have heard too many negative things in my life, that I’m just waiting for it. Even if you say something nice, I will be waiting for the “but”. You are nice, but you are annoying. Even though you may not even mean it that way.

My hyperfocus can be a great thing, but sometimes it can make you feel overlooked or feel unimportant because I can get so absorbed in it to the exclusion of everything else.
I don’t mean to make you feel this way. And you are not unimportant to me! You may actually mean the world to me. It’s great though if you share the hyperfocus with me. But that rarely happens.

I know it’s not always easy. So, not many will want to put up with this.


But then I realize that everything that is valuable in life, never comes easy. In order to access the beauty of life, you have to do efforts. And those efforts are worth it.

We love harder than most people.
We care more than most people.
We will be there for you .. always …

I have asked people with ADHD partners what they love about their partner. And this is what some of them said …

“I adore my wife for the way she sees the world, her boundless imagination, her passion. She is unique, she is funny, she has this contiagious laughter.”

“I trust her 100%. She is honest, her feelings are real, she says what she thinks and is so caring. Everybody loves her.”

“I love the way her eyes light up when she’s onto something exciting, her energy, her passion, her spontaneity. She can come up with creative things you would never think of. When there is an issue to solve, I ask her. She has this quick fix solution all the time.”

“I love how she sees the world differently. How she makes me feel. Her care, her generosity, her engagement. She would give away all her money to charity if I would not stop her from doing so. Her sense of justice and standing up for the underdogs and so much more”

“I love how she cares for everyone around her, her sincerety. Her kindness to a point where you think it’s unreal. Her curiosity, to want to know everything about the world. Her devotion and her sincere care”

And then I heard one husband say this about his wife, which I could really feel …

“She is a very thoughtful person, very wise. She keeps me grounded.
She is special in ways she doesn’t even see. But I do.
There is nobody in the world like her.
She is unique and – that is two words: beautifully – complicated.
I never met anyone like this person in my life.
I never met anyone as honest but so sweet and thoughtful, kind
and yet believe that she is not pretty enough, not good enough, not
enough …

You got to get to know her. It’s a process that takes longer than you understand.
There are so many layers to this girl.
It’s been eight years and I understand her more and more each day and I’m still learning!
You have to fight for the things you want!”