Loneliness, validation and vulnerability

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He told me “I only trust people 30%”. Back then I thought .. me too, I have a very big problem trusting anyone but 30% is really low. I wonder what he must have seen and experienced that made him feel this way.
I have lived in different corners of the world and now I’ve been living in this country for not even a year and I can genuinely say that my trust bar dropped to 0. I’m now actually thinking that he was being quite optimistic with 30.

We ADHDers are normally pretty good with people, it’s usually quite easy for us to create connections, easy to adapt to situations and other people. Many of us are great networkers and many of us have many aquaintances or people they just know, but at the same time we don’t really have many what we would call friends.

You see, for some people a friend is somebody they talked to a few times and they consider them a friend. My bar is raised regarding this topic. Because I learned in the past that when you think differently, you don’t feel part of it all.
If you went through difficult times already as a child, you won’t feel part of it all, because nobody knows what you are really going through. So they may talk about trivial things and you would just sit there and wonder why they would do that.

I remember being in school, nothing special going on, but I do observe everything and everyone and there are many things I don’t understand. Why people care about trivial things like the brand of clothes another kid is wearing, why would kids exclude other kids … just for the fun of it, why would they talk about that person they don’t even know, why do they speak like this, why do they laugh about that child, why do they care to have xyz it’s not important. I always felt different. And no, the children I’m describing are not me. I had my circle of friends and have always been included, don’t get me wrong and I think I was lucky to have had a best friend who was kind of like me. Many kids don’t have that. She and sports saved my adhd chidlhood, I believe. But at the same time I didn’t feel included.

Now as an adult, I don’t have many friends. Not because I don’t know any people, but for me, in order to I consider you a friend , you need to have proven yourself worthy. You know me – for real. If we have been through things together and you are still with me, if I can be myself at least more or less and not have to worry about you taking things badly, if you could tell what my next move would be in a certain situation. Like .. you know me! This is a friend. Not many fill those criteria.

I find it very hard to make friends in adulthood, which is common for everyone in this time and place, I believe, but it’s extra hard for neurodivergent people.
We have been let down one time too much, we learn to depend on ourselves and not expect anything from others anymore and that’s hard, because friendships are give and take.

I think one of the problems is that we are a certain way and think that others are or at least should be the same, but they are not. And so we get burnt … often.

We are people who care about you, not your past, not what you have, not what you look like, just you. But we live in a world where everything else except YOU counts. It’s about where you are from, what you do, what you have, how you look, show off even things that you don’t own, telling people what they want to hear as opposed to what they need to hear, lies are everywhere, it’s all about .. how can you benefit me? And once the benefit is gone, the person is gone, too. This is what I see around me. Hence 0% of trust level as the base line.

Not everybody is like this of course, but quite frankly I’m having a very hard time finding the exceptions. They exist, but are hard to find. So now I’m in trouble because those are my values and I expect others to have the same, but they don’t, so I get disappointed and I start to wonder what’s wrong with me?

We are people who don’t care how many mistakes you make and how bad they were. We can find explanations and excuses for everyone (except for ourselves). We are extremely forgiving. And I expect others to be the same towards me when I mess up, but they are not. Instead they use that as a carpet to stomp on and leash out with their own issues.

We can be extremely passionate, when it comes to a topic we love or a person we love, we can talk forever about that topic or talk to the person forever … but others don’t see it this way. They wonder what’s wrong with you? Can’t you talk about anything else than education and the students and psychology … actually I can but this is where I come to life and if that’s a problem for you …I take it on myself, what’s wrong with me?

Apparently people want to talk about things that I don’t really care about … like I don’t care so much about what you cooked yesterday. And no, I don’t care where you bought your dress from and especially do I not care about that your nailpolish fits your dress.
Maybe I would care to know all this, if you were my friend or my partner because then I’d be interested in you as a person and what you like but not the way that “normal” people would see this kind of discussion. I don’t know if I’m making sense.

These are just a couple of examples where our expectations are drifting apart.

So when we see that they are not like us, three things can happen …
1. either THEY walk away and never talk to us again, because we are “too much”, whatever we are too much of – pain
2. WE are the ones walking away – from everyone, isolating ourselves because we have had enough of rejection and think we are better off alone – pain
3. we start masking who we really are and try to fit in with the crowd. We start smiling our way through life, while inside we are hurting. And nobody sees it. And you suffer for years and years wondering what’s going on. How to break this cycle, We use all the wrong things … looking for validation from outside because only then are we “good enough”, if people approve of us and see us as “somebody”. – excrutiating pain

We look for validation through many different ways. Some are bad and some look good on the surface but they only stay good on the surface.
You can seek validation through showing what you have. How many social media posts do you see of people displaying their car, their clothes, their bodies, their breakfast .. even if it’s totally fake … rented car – bought on credit, got the Coco Chanel clothes from the second hand shop, put makeup on that makes you unrecognisable, ordering food that you won’t even eat just to take a picture of it … but you get the like, that’s validation.

You can be overly kind and a people pleaser, many of us ADHDers are .. looks great on the surface and everybody likes you but inside we are swallowing a lot of things that go against our boundaries.
We may be overachieving in our jobs .. yes ADHDers can overachieve – very well sometimes. That brings recognition and validation .
Men can go for all the women that cross their way, just like women can go for all the men that cross their way, get the compliments, the looks, the whatever .. validation – we are finally worthy and fitting in.

And there are so many other ways. The problem with this is , it’s not really validation, is it?

Because it’s not YOU who you are showing and validating. And you know that! And this is what makes you miserable, even when you have that car, even if you get those likes .. it feels good for a while and then the feeling goes away, you need it again.
You get validation for something or somebody you are not.

You are not being authentic and you attract the wrong kind of people. Not only are you not authentic to yourself and others but you lose respect for yourself by doing this. Because deep inside you know why you are doing it and you know that you are going against yourself. And it leaves you tired and exhausted.

You can be surrounded by 500 people … and we ADHDers are actually quite good at creating connections. So you can be surrounded by all those people and yet, you feel lonely. Why?
Because nobody knows the real you … and even if they know the real you, they may not like what they see, because you are not thinking alike. They may still stay around because you benefit them in some way, or they feel obliged for one reason or another – and inside you know that,  you feel it. So you can be surrounded by all those people and even amazing people, wonderful people, you can have interesting conversations, even family but you still feel lonely, because the relations are kind of empty for you.

What’s the solution? One that takes an enormous amount of courage. And most people don’t have it; Vulnerability.
Vulnerability is the most couragous, strongest and loudest expression we have.
But we are scared of it, because we will be judged. But you know, we are judged anyways. It’s just easier to be judged for a fake personality we created rather than to be judged for who we really are, because then it can really hurt, right? So you have to be strong in order to be vulnerable.

But then something magic can happen also. You may find that one person who you tell everything to, the best and the worst, and for some reason, they stay. Because they like you, the way you are, the way you think, the way you look, … simply because of who you are, not the person you created around you to protect yourself.

There is nothing like the feeling to be with somebody who, when you talk to them, it’s like you are looking into a mirror, you don’t have to think if you should say this or that, someone who can follow your thoughts without judgment, somebody who nerds out on the same interets as you and could talk about it for hours without getting bored. Somebody you can come up with ideas on your favourite topic together and let the creativity run free … for hours. The person, when you are with them, you look at the watch not because you want to leave but you are hoping that you don’t have to go yet.
You miss them when they are not around, you miss talking to them .. because this is the place where you feel validated for who you really are and you notice that you are not lonely anymore.

Yes, those people are hard to find. Very hard even. Some never do. And once you find them, you don’t want to let them go and you miss them when they are gone.
But the chance of coming across somebody like this equals zero if your validation comes from people outside, who don’t even know who you really are.