I told you, this is going to be a big one. The way we communicate and behave during communication – that may end up causing us trouble when talking to others, especially neurotypicals. So far we covered 7 points and I’m far from being done …
1. Rabbit trails
2. Overexplaining
3. Processing delay
4. Translation of thoughts into words
5. Eye contact
6. Imagination and clear communication
7. Object permanence
Communication Part 1
Communication Part 2
Communication Part 3
ADHD fashion, the points are in no particular order of relevance or connection, I wrote them down the way they came to my mind. So today let’s go deeper on the well known phenomenon of interrupting and finishing other people’s sentences.
But before that let me explain something else that often causes a big issue in how we are perceived around people, but is a big misunderstanding.
8. Talking about ourselves
It can happen that you are talking about a problem that you are having or something you want to get off of your chest to a person like me. Just to then find me talking about myself after you shared your story. Now you are confused because why on earth are you talking about yourself when I just poured out my heart to you? How selfish can you be?! And you get annoyed by me seemingly not caring and wanting to talk about myself.
So I come across self centered and inconsiderate, maybe narcistic for some people.
However, what happens in my brain is the following: He / she told me about something they are sad / happy / frustrated etc about and they feel like they want to share that with me for either support or for sharing their joy. So my head goes looking for all kinds of connections it can create in my brain that relate to this topic.
And I find similar experiences (or at least they seem similar in my head) and then I tell you what I came up with to make you understand that I got you, that I have been through something similar and you are not alone. I understand you. I’m here for you! I’m trying to create connection. Because I know how much it hurts to be alone and I don’t want you to feel this way.
When I’m done telling my story, I’m kind of like expecting from you that you see the connection I made and that you feel seen and heard from my part, that you understand that I’m here for you and I’m a safe place to share and go deeper if you wish to go deeper.
Just that – that- apparently doesn’t often happen, at least not with neurotypicals. So we come across self-centered when actually we tried to be the contrary.
So now what I have learned lately to do is before I share my story I ask them if they may allow me to share a story that will relate to what they just said. That makes them listen to my story in a way that makes them look out for similarities to their story and it’s more likely that they will understand a connection.
9. Interrupting when you speak
This is an interesting one, because there are several factors of ADHD that play into this one – poor impulse control, attention/connection seeking, working memory issues …).
I know you see it as annoying and disrespectful when we interrupt you. I’ll try to give you a different view on this. Well, it will still stay annoying, but you may be able to better understand why we do this.
The only time I personally would possibly interrupt you when you are talking is because I’m excited about what you are saying.
If I wasn’t interested, I’d probably just let you keep talking and zoom out into my own world.
So when I interrupt you it actually means that I’m relating to or am interested in what you are saying and am excited about it and want to add to the conversation.
So if you talk and I interrupt it’s more likely to be a good sign that I’m with you!
I didn’t know how bad I can actually be with this, because in school that rarely happened, neither in real life. But then there was one occasion where I understood what’s going on.
I was on a professional development training day for my school. We had a week of Montessori training and I was excited about it, because such things are my hyperfocus.
What happened was that at the same time I studied psychology and that time we discussed developmental psychology at university and Montessori was the major topic.
While the PD was more about hands on activities and practice etc, my psychology classes were obviously more about the development of the child, the brain, the motor skills, fine motor skills etc – the theory. So I was sitting in the training and I became the trainee I wish no trainer will ever have! I didn’t recognize myself.
The trainer would tell us about activities and why they are important and like every 5 minutes she would comment with something my brain came up with. It made a connection between her practical approach with the theories I learned at uni at the same time. And those connections just fitted so wonderfully together. And so I had this enormous urge to tell everyone in the room that what the trainer said “was right” because I just learned that at uni also!!
As if the trainer needed the verification of me and my studies! But in my head it was like … oh my God, this is amazing!! there is scientific backup for this method and here it is and I would explain to everyone – basically I would take over the training if you will.
And while everyone was very forgiving the first couple of times I did it, after a while it got annoying .. understandably. Actually, I got annoyed by myself! I just couldn’t retain myself because I felt so excited and because I felt it was so important for everyone to know that this is the real deal and you better listen to what the trainer is saying!! I just couldnt help it.
This has been like 7 years ago and I’m still embarrased about my behaviour until this day.
What I noticed though was that this was the only time I actually really did this to this degree. Why didn’t I do such things before, neither after .. because I simply didn’t care enough about other things before or after. In school the topics were so dull and boring that I just kind of survived throughout the day, no excitement.
During psychology classes .. dull as heck and often I just sat there wondering what I am going to do with this? Real life looks different to me.
Anything related to education, which makes me itch … I learned it on my own terms. So this was the only time there was a cross between outside training and my interests.
In the end, to reframe it positively for the trainer … I so much loved her training that I wanted to support her and wish everyone would hear her speak.
Just … in a totally unprofessional, emotional, impulsive and by society totally unacceptable way.
There is another reason why I may blurrt our things or disrupt somebody’s speech on a day to day basis to share my own “insights” into a matter because I know that I will forget (poor working memory) what I wanted to say later. So out of fear to forget what I wanted to say, my brain quickly tells me to just throw that into the room before it’s forgotten.
How I learned to deal with this kind of behavior is that I carry a notebook around with me now – or my phone. And whenever I have thoughts that itch me, I’m writing them down, or I’m texting myself or leaving myself a voice message.
If later I still feel like sharing what I had in my mind then I wait for the right occasion. And often I don’t even feel like sharing anymore and I just forget and delete it all.
10. The urge … to finish your sentences
Now this one will sound a little from top to down, but if you have ever talked to an ADHD person you have probably noticed that we at times like to finish other people’s sentences. I know that I do that a lot, not consciously. But sometimes I catch myself doing it and wondering why. Because I understand that it could make the other person feel like … no actually I don’t understand. How could that make you feel? Maybe like I’m not listening? But then how could I finish your sentence? Anyhow …
When I talked to other ADHDers or professionals about this, I usually get one reason as to why we do that, but for me personally I believe there are two.
So the reason why we supposedly do this is because our brain is so fast and we see patterns very quickly. Quicker than other people – they call it part of lateral thinking. This is helpful in a lot of areas in life but what it does when people talk and they are kind of slow talkers (which by the way would be every person, unless you have ADHD yourself probably), it makes me itchy and impatient because I understood what you are talking about and what you want to say, but you are not getting there so I feel like I need to hurry you up.
It literally makes me itching to my bones. That doesn’t mean that you are a slow thinker or talker or that there is anything wrong with you. Hey, you are the “normal one”. But for me, it’s too slow and so I finish for you so we can continue the conversation .
Does that make sense?
This is the reason I have been told and I do relate to it many times. And I can definitely relate to that. But I think for me personally at least , it also depends on who I am talking to. If it is a person I’m interested in then I may actually do it because I’m seeking connection. Like look, I understand you to a point that I can finish your sentences.
It’s unconscious. But I’m looking for connection with you and make you understand that I’m here and I wish you feel me wanting to be with you and hoping you feel the same way.
Just that more often than not, the contrary happens with the last points I just shared with you, wouldn’t you agree? Unless you are neurodivergent yourself and you are kind of doing the same things more or less or at least you understand … there can be a lot of misunderstanding and a lot of misconception which makes me look the opposite of what I’m intending.
Inside an ADHD mind 
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